OH MY GOD!!! It's not even 10am and I have already had such an insane LA morning. So I go to the West Hollywood Post Office on San Vicente (I love it there) to pick up a package and I was trapped in line (a very long one for 9am) behind this crazy chick doing a spot on Courtney Love impression (not on purpose). She was a stripper screaming into her pink bedazzled cell phone...
"I'm totally broke! I had to get my tits re-done because of complications and now I got fired from the club, and I need money bad. Can I come over and give you some private lap dances or a massage or something! Yeah, come get me pleassse!"
After the fourth call saying the same thing to a different John she decided to turn her attention towards me, and of course I forgot my blackberry so I had no choice but to acknowledge her presence. She was so twisted on H. her eyes were rolling back in her head as she yelled come-ons AT me. I of course, dying of embarrassment, was like "Please leave me alone." and cried inside.
So she decides to change her approach, "Do you want to hear a Mexican Joke?" Which of course I did, but said, "No thanks." At which point the Post Office line begins to applaud, but she decided to tell it anyway, loudly.
Stripper: "Why were there only 1500 Mexicans at the Alamo?"
Me: Silence, staring at ceiling.
Stripper: "That's all the truck could fit."
I know.
Finally some John shows up to get her (wearing a snake skin belt and black CK Jeans. I know.) And they left only to be followed in the back of the line by a 50 year old Meth Freak who decided to proposition the line with blow jobs if they'd let him cut in. I know, West Hollywood.
Finally I got my package and I walked over to Starbucks, not Starbottoms, but the one on Robertson & SMB, and I bumped (literally) into John Krasinski, the cute guy from The Office, and the one time I wear a white shirt, now, covered in black coffee. But of course because he is a star and I am a starfucker, he gets away with it completely. Also it was my fault. Plus he looks worse in person, bone thin, no-ass-kinda-skinny, gross.
All of this before I even make my bed.
LISTEN TO: BUTCH WALKER "UNCOMFORTABLY NUMB" [MP3]
I love strippers. Love em!
Posted by: duane | April 17, 2006 at 09:29 AM
What have you learned? Don't buy porn on the internet and have it shipped, and don't drink Starbucks coffee.
How was the blowjob?
Posted by: Foxy | April 14, 2006 at 11:44 AM
Oh 2 B in LA
Posted by: xtine | April 13, 2006 at 06:40 PM
For the Courtney Love/dancer/hooker 9 am is the end of the day, and possibly for Krasinski too.
Posted by: nilblogette | April 13, 2006 at 06:06 PM
Can't imagine how I would react if I were to bump into John Krasinski. Not sure I would be able to put a sentence together...god i have got move to LA..ha ha
Posted by: GMMR | April 13, 2006 at 03:47 PM
You make your bed? Whatever...
You say "bone thin" like it's a bad thing....
Posted by: DavisMcDavis | April 13, 2006 at 01:57 PM